Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Success! We fucked roommates!
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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