I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
Randomize
