I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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