I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
