How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
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