Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
There's a naked man in my car right now.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
Randomize
