so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
Randomize
