also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
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