its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize