Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize