Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
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