The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
