just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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