I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
