i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
