My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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