i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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