dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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