How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Randomize
