So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
