You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
