I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
He felt like a one man threesome
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
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