I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
Sorry my hands just texted you
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Randomize
