Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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