I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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