Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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