He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him.
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Randomize
