apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
