I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Randomize
