i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
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