i cvme to yuor rooom...wherer are youf?
please be gone before i get back
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
