11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
yea..i want to get out of new york for a bit too but for the love of god not to new jersey. that's like getting tired of the stripclub and getting yourself a toothless prostitute.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
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