I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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