She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
Randomize
