I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
