Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
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