I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
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