I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
Randomize
