You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
