george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
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