chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
Why do girls get to wear clothes that say "do me now" but guys don't have that kind of option?
I mean, what would the male equivalent of a slutty dress be?
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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