Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
