So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
You're breaking my sexual little heart
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
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