Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
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