Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Randomize
