Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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