remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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