Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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