You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
