Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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