your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
wat bout pragnant strippers??
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Randomize
