Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
Be still, my beating vagina.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
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