he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
