I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
false alarm, still single
Randomize
