Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
