Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
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