I think scott just propositioned me for sex
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Randomize
