Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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