You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize