fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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