I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
as a side note pls kill me
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